Cats, Water and the Theory of Felinity

Saturday – Seasonal Cat Bath Day

My two cats are, generally speaking, indoor cats. By “generally” I mean that they don’t “have to” go outside. That’s not to say they don’t “want to” go outside. Because my backyard is enclosed, I usually break down and let them go out. The older cat, Bella, can’t jump walls anymore and is usually ready to come back inside in 20 or 30 minutes. Garla, the younger one (also known as “Hooker”), can make it over the 6-foot cinder block walls and sometimes doesn’t come back for hours (hence the nickname). She’s usually just lying in the shade on the other side of the wall and eventually makes it back, so I don’t worry too much. Plus, she’s fixed.

With all that lounging and roaming around outside, their coats tend to get a little dusty and their fur isn’t as soft as it probably could be. Bella’s hair is pretty thick. When it gets dirty, even the mighty “FURminator” has a hard time keeping up.

I decided Saturday, enough was enough. It was time for the cats’ seasonal bathing.

The Theory of Felinity: E = X(cat)IR

That’s the mathematical formula that explains what I encountered Saturday with my cats, also known as the Theory of Felinity. Let me break that down:

  • E: The potential energy and/or force stored up in my four-footed hair-ball felines.
  • X: The number of hair-ball felines encountered
  • (cat): The unknown, sometimes crazed variable in this equation
  • I: The current intensity (read: insanity) of aforementioned felines
  • R: The exerted resistance during said encounter

Years ago in school, I studied electronics. One of the few things I remember from that time is, don’t get in the middle of an electrical force and ground. Long after those studies – this past Saturday to be precise – I discovered and documented my Theory of Felinity. Borrowing from Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and Ohm’s Law, the Theory of Felinity is the one, true unifying force in the known universe. Kind of a singularity.

After cleaning these two cats, I think I just might choose grabbing a bare, live electrical cord to grappling with the force described in the Felinity Theorem.

Aftermath of the Bath

Shortly after the bath and doing a quick towel dry, here’s how Bella and Garla looked:

Bella - Aftermath of the bath.
Bella - Aftermath of the bath.
Garla - Aftermath of the bath.
Garla - Aftermath of the bath.

They look harmless, you say? Don’t let that scrawny, sogginess fool you. These two cats are steel traps, waiting to snap. I’ve got the scratches to prove it!

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